THIS MUST BE THE BIG ONE

Increasingly, over the past few years, and out of the stress, strain, highs, lows, darkness and light, I have come to formulate an idea of what it is that I am searching for in life, and it is this; Love, acceptance and understanding. I must say that although essentially I am getting all three of these things, from family and friends, I have always felt that I needed more. However, in the most recent times it has occurred to me that maybe my continued search may reveal answers a lot closer to home that I have previously expected.

Long before a growing family surrounded me with their love and demands, not always in equal measure, my heart was consumed with the real need for all three of these security laden emotions in my life. Having been involved in a small number of significant relationships in my adult life, I thought I had, with the wisdom of hindsight , a fairly clear idea of where to look and find these hidden jewels of the human makeup. As ever, we all find that our idea of what we expect from those around us, very often, in the fullness of time, fall short of our expectations. I do understand , as I get older , that we are neither realistically able to expect a perfect and exacting level of these highly desirable human traits, nor are we likely to ever find them in any state near perfection. We are all flawed, by our very nature, there are hairline cracks in us all, and it is only in time that one gets to know someone else well enough to see those cracks. Why then , do we focus on the imperfections that these cracks present when all it does is detract from the wider view of the glorious gem that every person can be seen to be? It is also , sadly , a reciprocal process. Others' expecting perfection from myself will always be sadly disappointed.

This is where my focus has been drawn to in recent times, myself. The light has only just started to go on in my darkened room of a mind. with only a dimmer switch to play with, I have not really had the understanding of how to turn that switch up to maximum, but the light is getting a little brighter over time. What this light is slowly revealing is that I should be looking to myself a little more for these desired nuggets. I have, for many years, have very little love , acceptance and understanding of my own self. Perhaps I should be learning to do so a little more, rather that expecting to find these things in others as not only a security thing but also as a guiding light, an inspiration. We all know that, in time, we will be let down in one way or another, by those we know and love, equally we will do the same to others as well. But, I am starting to see that if we have very little love, acceptance and understanding for our own selves, how are we going to be effective at doing the same for others as well? What the process of learning is of this hidden art, I don't really know, and perhaps you may be able to give a little guidance in this largely uncharted territory for me. I am, until I have any further inspiration, going to try and not be so hard on myself, cut myself a little slack and say 'well done' a little more often, even if I think I don't deserve it.

There again, perhaps I should just get laid.