THIS MUST BE THE BIG ONE

Increasingly, over the past few years, and out of the stress, strain, highs, lows, darkness and light, I have come to formulate an idea of what it is that I am searching for in life, and it is this; Love, acceptance and understanding. I must say that although essentially I am getting all three of these things, from family and friends, I have always felt that I needed more. However, in the most recent times it has occurred to me that maybe my continued search may reveal answers a lot closer to home that I have previously expected.

Long before a growing family surrounded me with their love and demands, not always in equal measure, my heart was consumed with the real need for all three of these security laden emotions in my life. Having been involved in a small number of significant relationships in my adult life, I thought I had, with the wisdom of hindsight , a fairly clear idea of where to look and find these hidden jewels of the human makeup. As ever, we all find that our idea of what we expect from those around us, very often, in the fullness of time, fall short of our expectations. I do understand , as I get older , that we are neither realistically able to expect a perfect and exacting level of these highly desirable human traits, nor are we likely to ever find them in any state near perfection. We are all flawed, by our very nature, there are hairline cracks in us all, and it is only in time that one gets to know someone else well enough to see those cracks. Why then , do we focus on the imperfections that these cracks present when all it does is detract from the wider view of the glorious gem that every person can be seen to be? It is also , sadly , a reciprocal process. Others' expecting perfection from myself will always be sadly disappointed.

This is where my focus has been drawn to in recent times, myself. The light has only just started to go on in my darkened room of a mind. with only a dimmer switch to play with, I have not really had the understanding of how to turn that switch up to maximum, but the light is getting a little brighter over time. What this light is slowly revealing is that I should be looking to myself a little more for these desired nuggets. I have, for many years, have very little love , acceptance and understanding of my own self. Perhaps I should be learning to do so a little more, rather that expecting to find these things in others as not only a security thing but also as a guiding light, an inspiration. We all know that, in time, we will be let down in one way or another, by those we know and love, equally we will do the same to others as well. But, I am starting to see that if we have very little love, acceptance and understanding for our own selves, how are we going to be effective at doing the same for others as well? What the process of learning is of this hidden art, I don't really know, and perhaps you may be able to give a little guidance in this largely uncharted territory for me. I am, until I have any further inspiration, going to try and not be so hard on myself, cut myself a little slack and say 'well done' a little more often, even if I think I don't deserve it.

There again, perhaps I should just get laid.

YOU'LL PAY FOR YOUR ACTIONS

Being spontaneous is not something i do easily, if at all. Most things I do are considered, even if it's a quick calculation of possible negative outcomes to a move, a word, a deed, that stops me being a dyed in the wool spontaneitist.
Imagine, to my surprise when, a few days ago i was just that, spontaneous. Now, at this point, i must say that there is no likelihood of me revealing the details of my selfish acts for fear of incrimination, but i think i am safe in saying that there was no violence or nudity, at least not total nudity anyway.

I find myself, as a consequence of my own action, from my perspective at least, it has unsettled me. Not in a bad way, just a questioning way, partly because i was not the only one involved in the whole proceedings, and that my thoughts are what a possible fool I've made of myself. But also because i feel there was nothing wrong in what i did at the time (I have to justify it because i don't really want to feel i was foolish). The dictionary definition for spontaneous is ; Arising from a natural inclination or impulse,self-generated.I have thought about this and i find i have a question about this, why? Why are we spontaneous? All i can come up with is these three things;
1)Gut reaction, 'The English word 'emotion' is derived from the French words émotion and émouvoir. This is based on the Latin emovere, where e- (variant of ex-) means 'out' and movere means 'move''(I'm not that clever,it's just a quote).
2)The hope or desire of the heart, subconsciously appearing through a 'spontaneous' action but already hoped for.
3) Alcohol fueled. We all know what a disinhibitor it can be! those of us that have partaken of the evil brew that is.
In my case i think it was probably all three!

If there's anyone actually reading that has some ideas on this subject, please feel free to comment 8-)

It is only now, having had several days of refection, that is becoming clear to me that not only was it quite liberating to be so spontaneous. However, as i reflect apon the possible importance of my actions, i feel there's a fifty-fifty chance it could go either way, that it has either inspired or embarrassed some people, and to those that know to what i'm refering, i am now hoping, really hoping, that it is the former, not the latter.

I THINK THIS JUST ABOUT SAYS IT FOR A STARTER

" A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic - on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg - or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronising nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to." C.S.Lewis

DROWNED WITHOUT TRACE

Your words have drifted too far from me,
And mine have from you the same,
Where once there was a flowing spring,
Of sparkling clear praise and honour,
Has meandered alone murky rivers,
To join an ocean of nouns and adjectives,
Drowned without trace,
No meaning,
No sense,
No clear understanding why,
Just left with a salted swirl of undertow.
Now only a real longing thirst to find,
That source of the spring of sparking rhyme.

A LIST OF THINGS THAT MAKE UP ME

If you could see the things i see,
If you could feel the things i feel,
If you would know the things i know,
If you would watch me long enough you would see the movement,
If you listen hard enough you would hear my heart beat,
If you look into the dark you will see me cry,
If you look past the light you can see me smile,
If yoy can bear to stay long enough you may see me die,
if you can see inside me you may reach the top of the mountain,
to see the sun set and the moon rise...

STREAM WRITING 4O

Let us look at the evidence,
there is no evidence,none at all,
if this where a court case it would be thrown out of court,
but it´s not.
So what am i working with here?
Feeling,gut instinct?
So why do i doubt it?
Perhaps there is evidence, that one 'sees' subconsciously,
our heart seeing things of the heart,
a word,a gesture,a movement.
Equally perhaps we are afraid of our judgement of such situations, because what we see is not so evident as to conclusively prove something that our heart sees in the blink of an eye?
In these times of instant, instant mobile, text, facebook, blog, whatever the media one uses, it is so so easy just to press send.to react instantly to our hearts desire, to the nudging of our heart.
Perhaps one should wait a little and look at what is before us, in our heart, spirit, mind,soul, gut, what ever you wish to call it.
Then to look outwards,as equally as inwards, and trust one´s heart, to move accordingly, even if it turns out to be wrong.