Anyway,back to 'I am He as you are he as...', is it nature that still makes me find it hard to put Me first?Am i deluded?am i already putting myself first anyway and i just don't really notice it? is it western culture to be able to even have the time,space and energy to ask such a trivial set of questions?
I guess it's always been a balance of guilt against what i feel i can get away with.
Today,i managed to get out for a couple of hours on my own,it was essentially to meet up with some friends at a pre planned coast path walk that we get to do every couple of months.Something which I've always enjoyed very much for many reasons(except when it rains heavily!).But ,on this occasion i was delayed in starting at the same time as them,so i re planned to,rather than miss out on the walk altogether,go along later,and start from the other end of the walk and join them when we meet along the path.
This had the effect of giving me the chance to do a reasonable length drive ,with my own music on the CD player and my own thoughts allowed to roam around the car and myself.Then a wonderful walk along a sunlit and rugged coast path.Just over a mile into the walk,away from the sight of the town and overlooking the the deep green ocean rhythmically haul it's foaming waves against the cliff face rocks.,i sat on some boulders and just stopped,and i mean stopped.it is so long since i just stopped,did nothing but look at what was going on around me.to take in the beauty and majesty the sea scape,of the tentative February sunlight,the salt air breeze.It gave my thoughts room breath,stretch their legs.
So why did i feel guilty for being there?Why did i have to feel like I'm having to get away with it?
Perhaps it's good to be selfish? Perhaps John Nash did have it right,to do what's best for oneself and for the group,but definitely in that order sometimes.
Certain things stay with me and certain things just vanish into the ether,but i hope that the time i spent alone,on a boulder,receiving the joy of what nature had to offer,will stay with me for a long time.
187. Jaarbeurs, Utrecht
1 year ago
Is that the walk we took? Sounds great to me.
ReplyDeleteWhy would you feel guilty? You need that time more than anyone I know, you do so much with the kids/work/house etc you should never feel guilty for that. I know Karen goes to the gym, swimming daily, I'm sure she wouldn't mind you having decompression time.
No it was a walk yesterday.i know i don't get a great deal of time to walk,or anything else on my own for that matter!but i have had a few moments since August last year!However,that was what the blog was all about!Even though i dont get as much time to myself as i'd like/need,when i do i feel some level of guilt,which i know i shouldn't(it is my problem).Although i do feel i've tried to analize the idea that my perpective is as much a learned thing(other people and environmental influence) as well as a character thing(my defence and reaction mechenism).As for Karen's perspective,that has always been different to mine,as she is a completely different person and has a different way of looking at things to me.
ReplyDeleteI guess it's a bit like being in a storm,finding that it's too late to go round it ,so i've gotta go through it.I feel that the storm is changing me,for better or worse,and only in the fullness of time will i be able to see the effect it will have had on me and those around me